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I’m done with useless NFL teams. Every day we drift closer to the cold grip of death, life is to short to medal with awful 7-9 propositions or teams that will inevitably be swept out of the playoffs. So here are 9 teams I am done talking about. And why you should give up on them to, if you’re a fan of one of these teams sorry. Spoiler my team is on this list, it hurts but I’ll move on maybe I’ll start watching golf or something. Probably not, I can’t kid myself golf if awful, don’t stop watching the NFL stop watching these teams.
1. Cleveland Browns: Why do I need to make a case? The QB situation is still a mess, there is 0 hope for a crippled fan base on offense, Joe Thomas is out for the year. Catch the Myles Garrett Highlights don’t waste two and a half hours a Sunday on this team though. Learn to make Pecan Pie and southern sweet tea so you can ooh and ahh your guests at your next summer get together.
2. Tennessee Titans: The offense put up 12 points on the Browns. Seriously? The team refuses to utilize their best offensive player in Derrick Henry and Mariota is not right. Ultimately this team is going to be crushed out of contention in the last four weeks. Get a head start down the hall before the building catches on fire. Learn how to make a rocking chair out of fine cherry wood. Then use that chair to sit and contemplate being a Titans fan.
3. Indianapolis Colts: Jacoby Brissett is going to suffer the same fate of Andrew Luck. No protection equals meh QB play and injury. Pray for Jake Briskets health and go for a hike deep into the hills of Tibet, learn from the monks, get perspective and embrace the suffering of the world.
4. New York Giants: Eli is an aging skeleton with no weapons. The defense can’t win you games. And the o line is complete trash, you have a dumpster fire on your hands scrap everything rebuild. Speaking of which, go into the woods of the Catskills and build a cabin giants fan huddle around the warmth of the fire and wait for the Yankees to come around next spring.
5. Detroit Lions: Matthew Stafford broke my heart. He must be thrown to the corn fields. It isn’t your fault Matt, your team just sucks. It is a hopeless proposition for January glory, the Lions must go.
6. Arizona Cardinals: The most depressing non-homer team in this group. I love Bruce Arians it is so sad to see him go out like this. Maybe they will have the dignity to trade Larry Fitzgerald to a contender, so he can try to find a ring. Farewell old soldiers you will be remembered.
7. Denver Broncos: In a tough division its over for the Broncos. No offense, less than a hobbled Peyton Manning could provide. I’m not as sad as I am angry, angry that Jon Elway can’t figure out how to get a good o line or good wide receivers or good kickers. Trevor Siemian is trapped in an offense that he must drive and out preform that isn’t the QB he is. Siemian is a projection of his surrounding talent so is Paxton Lynch, So is Brock Oswieler I have never doubted Elway more than I have in this moment.
8. Baltimore Ravens: They suck, the offense sucks, the defense is inconsistent. Learn how to make crab cakes people of Baltimore then ship me some, though I doubt you will after this scathing analysis of your team.
9. San Francisco 49ers: I’m done believing this offense will work this year. CJ Beathard looks to be a flash in the pan. Go live in one of the hippest cities in the world Niners fans. You don’t even watch football, you have nothing to complain about.